What Do You Want?

On a gravel, barely two-lane road looking towards Valley of the Gods, Utah. If you asked me what I wanted right then, I would have said to be off this road!

What do you want?

I heard this question asked the other night. Great question. It's a make-you-stop-and-think kind of question.

What do I want? What do I want out of life? What do I want my future to look like?

When did you last think about what you wanted out of life? When was the last time you dreamed of the future? We were encouraged to do this all through school. We were told: “You can do and be anything you want. Reach for the stars! Dream big.”

So, I did. Dream big, that is. I wanted to be a famous writer, backpack across Europe, and maybe even start an all-girl band. I fancied myself as the next Stephen King or Belinda Carlisle. At one point, I even wanted to be a nun. Probably a singing nun. Forget the fact that I’m not even Catholic.

Those dreams didn’t pan out. I didn’t publish a bestseller, backpack across Europe, learn to play an instrument or convert to Catholicism. It’s not too late for any of them, but they are not happening anytime soon.

Let’s get back to the question.

What do I want?

There are always goals I’m working towards. Right now, I’m working on being able to do 10 pull-ups consecutively with ease, becoming better at jump rope, and writing more consistently. (I haven’t given up on the book.) I’m basically lazy, so goals like these keep me motivated, active, and productive. Otherwise, I’m sitting on the couch watching movies. The Sound of Music comes to mind for some reason.

Goals are great. They’re kind of my bread and butter. I don’t think that’s what the question is asking, though. It’s asking for the big picture. What do I ultimately want? What do I want my life to look like, feel like, to become? At the end of the day, the end of my life, what do I want to have accomplished?

Now we’re getting into the meat of the matter. This is bigger than goals for a few weeks or months. This is what they say at your funeral kind of stuff. I’d like more than “She could do 10 pull-ups and jump rope like nobody’s business!”

This is something I’ve thought about quite a lot, especially over the last year. We only get so much time on this earth. I want that time to mean something, at least to me.

So, what do I want?

I want to be healthy in mind, body, and spirit: Over the past several years, I’ve realized the importance of holistic health. Wellness is a balance. Being healthy in every aspect of my life will make the rest of this list possible. It will also, I hope, keep me doing all the things I love doing for as long as possible. There are still so many trails to be hiked!

How I’m making that a reality: Mentally, by learning new things, managing stress, and staying positive. Physically, through exercise, sleep, and nutrition. Spiritually, by defining what’s important to me (values) and aligning that with my purpose.

I want to make a difference: To make others’ lives a little better, happier, healthier, and more worthwhile. To know that the world was a better place because I lived. That sounds lofty, but I think we all want our lives to matter.

How I’m making that a reality: Trying to listen more and talk less. Listen to understand and without judgment. Remembering that my way is not the only way nor necessarily the right way. Becoming more aware of the needs around me. (I can be very self-centered.) Being the best version of me I can be.

I want to love and be loved: To be able to open my heart and mind freely without fear of rejection and hurt. To be loved for exactly who I am.

How I’m making that a reality: Learning to be open and vulnerable by, well, being open and vulnerable. I don’t know of any other way. Reminding myself that often the pain caused by others is from the pain they are carrying. This work is mainly being done through therapy and recovery groups.

I want to continue to grow and learn: To expand my mind, explore new ideas and strange new worlds. To boldly go…. Oh, wait, sorry. Wrong show. Well, maybe not so wrong. There’s so much out there to learn and not enough time in the day. We’ve never had access to so much knowledge!

How I’m making that a reality: Reading, incessantly reading. Listening to podcasts and YouTube videos on subjects of interest. I have a WIDE range of interests. A lot of my time right now is spent studying for the NBHWC exam in November.

I want to be at peace: Peace with myself, my place in the world, and with the world in general. Basically, less anxiety.

How I’m making that a reality: A tremendous amount of self-work/care. Learning to live in the moment. Not obsessing over the past or worrying about the future. Learning to acknowledge emotions and allow myself to feel them. Meditation, mindfulness, breathwork, and yoga have all been extremely helpful. I’ll also add that staying away from and out of senseless drama has been a huge anxiety reducer.

That’s it for me. Now it’s your turn.

What do you want? What do you want out of life, for your life?

Take your time. Dig down deep and think about what really matters to you. Verbalize it. Maybe not to the world, but at least to yourself.

Is this a worthwhile exercise? I think so, but I’ll leave you with this quote and you decide.

"If you don't know what you want, you will probably never get it." -Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.

Stay Well, My Friends

Alicia