Shedding the Guilt

Pikes Peak, from our 2019 trip to Colorado.

Guilt is something that many of us know all too well. But I want to talk about a particular kind of guilt. The guilt that spirals out of control in our minds and takes on gigantic proportions. Whether it’s feeling guilty about taking some "me time," not being the perfect wife or mom, or not getting to the gym as often as we’d like, it seems like there’s always something making us feel like we’re falling short.

We are bombarded on all sides by calls to action. Exercise! Eat right! Work hard! Oh, and don’t forget to maintain impossible beauty standards at the same time! My generation was told we needed to not only bring home the bacon and fry it up in the pan, but we also had to never let our man forget he’s a man. What?! It’s no wonder we struggle with guilt.

Women are generally more prone to feelings of guilt than men. Lucky us! One reason is that we are generally more empathetic and relationally wired. For thousands of years, women have been socialized to get along and take care of others. We are the homemakers, the peacemakers, and the boo-boo fixers. There isn’t anything wrong with that. But when we try to meet everyone’s expectations, which is not possible, we begin to feel guilty. When that guilt becomes excessive it begins to affect us mentally and physically.

What does this excessive guilt get us? Depression, anxiety, and stress. It can also lead to extreme measures like insanely restrictive diets and overly excessive exercise programs. But none of that gets rid of the guilt. It usually just makes it worse because we can’t sustain those types of things.

The guilt I’m most often confronted with is health related. People often feel guilty for not exercising enough, eating too much, and putting on weight. We put a lot of that pressure on ourselves, but society at large is also to blame.

“I know I should exercise.”

“I shouldn’t have eaten that doughnut.”

“I know I should be watching my weight.”

We’ve all heard variations of these comments often. I’ve said similar things many times. Yes, I will say that how much we move and what we put in our bodies is important. I will always advocate for increasing our physical fitness. But I will also say that our mental and emotional health is no less important.

So, what do we do? Well, you know I like a concrete plan, so here we go.

First, find out where the guilt stems from. Is it coming from an outside source or self-imposed? Take this example from my own life. When I’m relaxing on the couch, and I see my husband working on something I automatically feel guilty. It’s not coming from him. If he needed or wanted my help he would tell me. My response is learned from a childhood where relaxing while a parent was up working was not acceptable. When I recognize where the guilt is coming from it lessens the severity.

Second, show yourself some compassion. Treat yourself like you would a friend in a similar situation. Maybe you did make a mistake that is worthy of a little guilt. Hey, it happens. Would you beat a friend up for having these feelings? Would you incessantly remind them of their mistake? I doubt it. Offer yourself that same kindness and understanding.

Third, reframe negative thought patterns. For example, instead of thinking, "I’m a bad mother because I missed my kid's game," you might reframe it as, "I’m doing my best to balance my responsibilities, and missing one game does not define my worth as a mother." Say it every time the unnecessary guilt thought pops up.

Lastly, breathe. This might should be the first thing you do. Practicing some mindful breathwork can help you stay present in the moment, think rationally, reframe negative thoughts, and stop the spiral of guilt. I recommend working on practicing your breathing before you get into situations where you need it.

Guilt, especially the excessive kind, is something many of us struggle with, but it's not a battle we have to fight alone or forever. By taking intentional steps to break the spiral, we can start to lighten that load of guilt we've been carrying around.

You deserve to live a life that's free from the constant thoughts of "not good enough." The next time guilt starts to creep in, take a deep breath, remind yourself of your worth, and give yourself a break.

Feel free to share your thoughts, tips, or experiences in the comments below. Let's support each other on this journey.

Until next time, take care of yourself and keep breathing!

Alicia