Say It Like You Mean It: Getting Comfortable with No

Many years back I was asked to host overnight guests in my home for a friend. I was not that close to the friend and had no idea who the guests were. It wasn’t an emergency of any kind; they were just here for a social event.

The extroverts with the hospitality gene read this and immediately begin planning sleeping arrangements, meal plans, and possible entertainment ideas. My fellow introverts have just stifled a horrified gasp.

I struggle with having people over for an hour much less overnight. There are precious few hospitality genes in my body. But what did I do? I said yes when everything in me shouted no.

My friend was happy that these people were taken care of, and their friends were happy to not be paying for a hotel. Me? Not so happy. I had extreme anxiety and a whole lot of anger at myself for not being able to say no.

Why wasn’t I able to say no?

Where to even begin with this one? Cultural conditioning, social expectations, fear of judgment, and to some extent our own biological instincts as women; all make it hard to say that little bitty word.

And even writing this I’m thinking about how it will come across. I can imagine some of you saying, “Geez, Alicia, it didn’t kill you to open your home. That sounds pretty selfish, honestly.” Maybe it was selfish. But that begs the question:

Is it always selfish to put ourselves first, at least occasionally? To say no instead of yes all the time? We seem to think so from the way we act.

Selfish is defined as being concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself…at the expense of others. That’s pretty harsh. I’ve known very few truly selfish people in my life. It takes a lot to get to that designation in my opinion.

Then we have the other side of the coin. Selfless: being more focused on the needs and well-being of others than on oneself. I know quite a few selfless people. I know quite a few selfless people whose mental and physical health suffer because of it as well.

It often seems like being selfless is considered a badge of honor, especially for women. And the more exhausted you are from putting everyone ahead of you the better.

Work a full-time job, volunteer at the church, coach at the YMCA, and babysit the neighbor's kids…you win! Pick up your Amazing Woman Badge at the front desk! (Terms and Conditions may apply. *)

But wait! There’s more! Tell her what she’s won, Jim!

That’s right, Edith! Not only do you get the Amazing Woman Badge you also get these fantastic add-ons: Stress, Burnout, Anger, Resentment, and Loss of Identity! Congratulations!

*Badge must be immediately returned because you must earn the Amazing Woman distinction again the next week.

This is no way to live, much less thrive. There’s got to be a balance. We’ve got to learn to say no.

Saying no helps us set boundaries and protect our time, energy, and mental health. That one little word enables us to stay focused on our goals and values. It allows us to give our best to the things and people that matter the most. “No” shows others we believe we are worthy of respect, which in turn teaches others to respect us.

If you realize this is an area you need to work on, here are some ideas to consider.

This advice comes from Melissa Urban, Whole 30 co-founder and CEO: “Never say yes automatically. Pause and ask, is this what I want too? Would this make me feel good too? Do I have the capacity, energy, time, or money to comfortably say yes?”

Another thought is to ask yourself “If I say yes to this what am I saying no to?” For example, if you say yes to volunteering at yet another function are you saying no to family time or much-needed rest? Still your decision, but at least you will be aware of what’s getting pushed aside.

Lastly, how about reframing “No” as a positive? When you find yourself in a situation where you realize it would be better to say no, remind yourself you are doing this to protect your health. It’s a necessary action to maintain your well-being.

Learning to say no will be difficult for some of you. You’ve had a lifetime of conditioning, and it won’t be easy to change. Realize that you will be uncomfortable when you first (gasp) start saying no. It will take some practice, but I believe even the most conditioned people-pleasers can learn how to set some healthier boundaries.

Age, becoming comfortable with not having to please everyone, and recognizing my strengths and limitations has made saying no much easier for me. So, if you need someone to help you become comfortable with saying no or setting boundaries, I'll say yes to that.

Oh, and if you want me to host your random friends overnight, I’ll just go ahead and say no.

See? That wasn’t so hard.

Be Well, My Friends!