Finding My Voice: A Personal Journey of Self-Discovery

Pikes Peak, Colorado

This week a friend reminded me of how we can lose our voice after we have gone through abuse. Not a physical loss of voice, but a loss of the “metaphorical” voice that we think of as someone’s truth, perspective, and identity. So often in abuse, you spend so much time and energy focused on someone else that you lose the essence of who you are. Been there, done that.

Thinking about this, it struck me that I am once again trying to find my voice. I haven’t lost it through a recent traumatic situation. It's still there, just changing. I’m changing. Searching for my truth and questioning long-held beliefs. I’m trying to figure out what I want my life to look like and what I have to say.

This thought process actually started because I’ve been trying to decide how I want to write this blog. Do I want it more informative or personal? Informative, how-to posts are easy for me, but personal not so much. There are many reasons for that.

For much of my life, I’ve been taught, directly and indirectly, that it was only acceptable to speak when you had the facts to back you up. Opinions and original thoughts were neither welcomed nor appreciated.

As a child, I learned it was better to stay quiet and not make waves. Don’t bring attention to yourself and don’t stand out. If I did speak, I felt as if what I said was insignificant at the least and ridiculous at the most.

Church had the underlying theme that women were supposed to be quiet, meek, and submissive. Sunday school seemed to be just a lesson in how to sit quietly with hands folded and knees together.

Public school teachers seemed to only want to hear from the smart and/or popular boys. Questions from the average or unpopular (boys and girls) were usually met with annoyance and frustration.

As the only woman in my shop in the Air Force, I was never treated as an equal. In their eyes, I had no opinion, no worth, and was just taking up space that could have gone to a more qualified male.

An abusive marriage to a “Man of God” drove the quiet, meek, and submissive church points home with a hammer. Speaking up for myself brought ridicule and shame, and was never worth the aftermath. My best course of action was still, don’t bring attention to yourself, don’t stand out.  

These negative experiences (and others) combined with an introverted nature have not lent themselves to me having much of a voice. It’s taken me a long time to get to a point where I can speak out with any inner confidence at all. I still struggle with opening up and being real in front of people. It’s an ongoing process that I will continue to work through.

Part of that work is sharing my journey. Though difficult, I believe it is important for my healing. I also believe it will only enhance my effectiveness as a wellness coach. It isn’t necessarily more helpful to have a coach who has been through similar challenges, but it doesn’t hurt either.

This brings me back to where we started: should my blogs be more personal or more informative? I believe they should be both. In that spirit, I am committing myself to being more transparent with this community. It will be a struggle, but if I put it in writing it will help keep me accountable!

If you are on a similar journey of self-discovery and searching for your own voice, I want to encourage you to check back next week. I’ll share some actions that will help you keep moving forward.

Thank you for allowing me this space to open up. I encourage you to do the same. I would love to hear your thoughts on this subject. Have you had similar experiences? How have you worked through your own journey? Comment or send me an email.